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Cross The Lake Race/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: And now here's a man whose name is as colorful as his wardrobe. A real fashion plate with a side order of flannel. A man who always makes the "it's best if he's dressed" list. Here he is, the star of our show, mr. Red green. Thank you very much, and thank you for tuning us in. We have an exciting and enjoyable show, and we also have my nephew harold. Ha! Wa! Okay, and back to the enjoyable stuff. All right, harold, let's get on with the show. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Tell 'em about the big boat race we're having. Tell 'em. Oh, all right. Yeah, we're having a big boat race, you know, across possum lake. And? Go on. And? [ laughs ] that's about all there is, harold. Let's get on with the show here. No! We're having a big boat race across possum lake, and the winner gets to be the ferryboat captain, 'cause the ferryboat captain is retiring, so he gets the new job, whoever wins the race. [ laughs ] tell 'em why people want the job, though. Tell 'em that. Well, harold, people like to be gainfully employed. [ laughs ] not everybody wants your job. No, everybody wants to be in the race 'cause every day, the ferryboat -- it goes over to sunshine island, and over there, there's a nudist camp. Nudists that are nude. Yes. They're sun worshipers, harold. That's all we know. Oh, please! Come on! They're naked nudists over there, uncle red. The old ferryboat captain only retired 'cause he had a heart attack. He's 27. There's some kind of clue in there, I figure. Well, everybody's just kind of guessing on this. You could sit out on a fishing boat outside that nudist camp and just pretend you were -- I mean, the sun-worshiper place -- and you could pretend you were fishing. You can stare in there all day. I don't care how many times you peek, you're not gonna see one naked body, and apparently, there is some kind of a road that goes in there where you can see them, but, by golly, I've never been able to find it. I agree. It's totally disgusting, you know, as far as I'm concerned. Just saying. Well, then, why did you bring it up, harold? I didn't. Well, because the people at home want to know, and it would probably boost our ratings, you know? But in my own personal opinion, I think it is immoral and exploitive. But you don't mind making a buck off something that you think is a disgusting spectacle. Yo, babe, this is tv. That's the mark of a professional. [ laughs ] [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ skiing in the summer ♪ ♪ out behind the lodge ♪ ♪ downhill trick and slalom ♪ ♪ landing in the bog ♪ ♪ it's almost perfect skiing ♪ ♪ though it's 93 degrees ♪ ♪ it's always extremely slippery ♪ ♪ since the government declared ♪ ♪ geese an endangered species ♪ red: This week on "handyman corner," we're gonna show you how to get better tv reception. 'course, one way is just to switch to a different channel, but we're thinking more of one of them fancy satellite dish/bowl things that lets you get a million stations all carrying, you know, stuff like "cheers" and "mash" and "lucy" and that kind of thing. We were actually thinking of buying ourselves a dish at the lodge, and we went down and looked at them, and these things are $1,000 -- $1,000. That's what we pay for houses. I took a close look at it, and I figured, "golly, I can build one of those." so all you're gonna need is, uh, one of these patio tables, including the umbrella, and about 160 bags of chips -- potato chips, that is. Make sure you get the kind in the foil bag. Step one -- [ clears throat ] empty the bags. [ crunching ] 42. You know, maybe what we should do is just, uh -- maybe pour these into a -- into a pail, and then we can, you know, eat them later while we're watching tv. [ coughs ] wish I'd have thought of that a little earlier. Maybe I should have cleaned the pail out first, huh? I'll just tell the guys these chips are sour cream and onion. 43. Or was that 44? I'll do an extra. Oh, geez, that was my spleen. And that's -- that's 100. Oh, that's good enough. [ sniffs ] oh, this place is starting to smell like mr. Potato head's honeymoon suite. All right, that will give us the reflective surface for the satellite dish. Now we need the actual dish form, and this is where the patio umbrella comes in. All right, first step we got to do is, uh, to gently remove the umbrella from the stand. There we go. Now we got to invert her, flip her over, and point her back out into space. I'll just aim her up through the hole in the lodge roof there. And now we'll secure it on there using the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape. No problem. I guess you wouldn't want to give me a hand, eh, harold? My hands are all greasy from something. Okay, now, I've really laid the duct tape in there, because, uh, you got to allow for wind, especially after 44 bags of chips. And what we've got here now is a concave, uh, reflective surface. At least, we will have once we add the foil bags to her. And what that does is it focuses all the electromagnetic waves from way out in space right up here into our -- into our receiver. There. Leave it there now. Now, what I have to do is I have to open up all the bags like this and attach them inside the dish, and I could do that with duct tape, but it's gonna take a whack of duct tape, and that's gonna cost you a fair coin. So I got an idea that's free. You know, uh, all of them paint cans that you've been keeping in the garage or down in the basement, you know, for years and years 'cause they got a half-inch of paint in them or something and they're still good, so you don't throw them out, you just store them for a while until they smell like old fish, and then you throw them out? Well, you don't need to throw them out. We can use them here as an adhesive to stick the -- to stick the foil bags right onto the umbrella. [ hums ] 39. You know, I'm using the paint like wallpaper paste, like... Actually, I do have some wallpa-- oh, it doesn't matter. This is gonna take a little bit longer than I thought, so why don't we just get on with the show, and when I get her all done, I'll bring you right back, we'll hook her up and make her work? Oh, that's 39... And now here's the part of the show where we expose those three little words that men find so difficult to say -- "I don't know." and here to prove that point once again on "the expert" portion of the show is my uncle red and mr. Dougie franklin. Okay, here we go. "dear experts" -- wa! "there is a woman at our office who I find very interesting, and I would like very much to marry her and bear her children." "however, before making a lifelong commitment, "I think we should meet first. "so far, she doesn't even know that I'm alive. Any ideas?" well, I'm kind of with her on this one, harold. I don't think the guy's alive, either. Well, uncle red, I don't think sarcasm helps a shy person. Believe me. Well, harold, with me, you either get sarcasm or total silence. Does he got a stock exhaust system? I don't know. It's kind of hard to tell from this picture of him he sent. I just, uh, was wondering. Maybe he might want to upgrade to a thrush, you know, or, uh, get a little bodywork done -- chop the front end down, jack the back end up a little, you know. Oh, yeah. No, that's a good point. My mom had that done after she stopped having kids. Dougie's talking about the guy's car, uh, harold. Pardon me, but how would an engine rebuild get this fella closer to the girl of his dreams? Harold, your first drill, if you want to be noticed, is you got to make sure your car makes a lot of noise, you know? Big thunder exhaust system, and peel some rubber out of the parking lot! Well, I would agree with you if this fella wanted to meet, say, you know, a policewoman. I was just thinking, you know, maybe he, uh... He might want to drop a racing cab in her and get a holley carb, maybe some mopar headers, get that engine so she's just idling real rough and tough, you know, kind of like a... [ imitates engine revving ] you know? [ imitates engine revving ] yeah! [ both imitating engines revving ] for those of you who just tuned in, this is not the german version of the show. "it is autumn. "the leaves are burning. "but not from the maple. "not the leaves from the oak or the old sycamore. "these are the leaves of the dining room table. Last time we have fondue in this house." 99. Should be one more. I thought I had 100. Oh, well, that should do it. So, there you are. You're all tied right in now to the international satellite system, part of the great video-information network. You got 1,000 channels at your fingertips. Uh, let's -- let's crank her up and see what we can pull in here. [ theme from "the red green show" plays ] [ man speaking french ] [ man speaking foreign language ] oh, man, there's nothing on. Oh, well. If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Oh, there we go. Glen braxton had a major problem -- keeping the bugs off the front of his r.V. Well, maybe you could put some kind of a wax or a teflon coating on the front of there. Oh, I tried that last summer, red. I put lard all over the front of it. I thought they'd skip off it. It attracted them. Oh, my. And it really gummed up the windshield, you know? I had to replace the wipers every couple hours. And then it got real hot, and they started to cook the bugs on there. Kids came running. They thought it was a chip wagon. Oh, man. Just once, I'd like to go to florida, down and back, without a billion little bug parts all over the front. Well, uh, maybe you can back it all the way. You know, that's not bad. I'd need bigger mirrors, but -- no, couldn't do it, red. No? As I'm going back, all the toll booths would be on the wrong side. Oh. I thought you were on to something there, red. That was close. Yeah, yeah. Well, glen, I was wondering if you could maybe tune up my v-8 marine engine for me. Well, I-I don't think so, red. I'm awful bus-- you know, you could do it yourself. I mean, just adjust the needle valve on the carb. It'd take you 10 minutes. And you haven't got 10 minutes to spare, glen? Well, I'm awful busy here, red. And the paperwork would be -- you know. Plus I got this bug thing on my mind, red, and I-I don't think I could devote my full attention to you, you know, so it wouldn't be fair to you. Man, how do you stay in business, glen? [ chuckles ] I'm the only marina on the lake, red. Great. Well, things are getting pretty competitive for this race across possum lake. You know, it's kind of disappointing to see, uh, the men trying so hard to beat each other, you know? As if they have any chance against my skiff. Uncle red, are you sure that you just don't want to sneak a peek at those naked sunbathers? No, doesn't interest me in the slightest, harold. Well, I should hope not, not at your age. Not really an age thing, harold. Well, it should be. Well, it's not. I have my reputation as lodge leader to think of, and I have to win that race even if it means, say, dropping a 427 supercharged hemi into a 12-foot canoe. I think -- I think that's gonna make the canoe rather hard to navigate, you know -- having a 700-horsepower engine in there instead of a paddle, you know? Well, I don't have to steer it, harold. I got forward and reverse -- straight over, straight back. Whoo-hoo! Well, you're certainly gonna be more entertaining than those nudists. Sun worshipers, harold. Sun worshipers. Okay, okay. You have insurance, uncle red? Now, why would I need insurance? Wa-a-a! You'll see. Do you have insurance, harold? Yes, I do. That's very wise. Thank you. Oh, I -- oh, dear. [ drumming, guitar playing ] ♪ she had big, brown eyes and a nice personality ♪ ♪ four great legs and an attractive hide ♪ ♪ I remember how very, very sad we were ♪ ♪ on the day she died ♪ ♪ boohoo ♪ ♪ but, by golly, the burgers sure were good ♪ red: Well, this week on "adventures with bill," bill told me to meet him up behind the lodge, and we'd try a little duck hunting. And -- whoa, whoa, whoa. Bill does everything possibly wrong with a gun. But lookit, he's got one of the old davy crockett raccoon -- oh, that's not the davy crockett style. That -- by golly, that actually is a raccoon. Wow. Bill, bill, let that thing -- let him go. Let him go. No, no. Bill, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Boy. Duck hunting, bill. Duck. All right, he brought his laundry hamper. Oh, no, no. Oh, I see. Boy, he's got a lot of decoys. Wow. He must be just made of money. Anyway, the idea, he told me, here is you spread the decoys out in some kind of a formation that ducks flying over from the air will see these and be attracted to them in some way. But I don't think "hi, ducks" is gonna work all that well. And then his plan was just to -- now, to me, I mean, aren't we a little, sort of -- okay. Ohh. Might need to be in some sort of a duck blind? I was actually almost blind myself at this point, but, don't worry, any of you out there. Don't worry about ducks or anything being shot. They're real safe. You see what I mean? The only people that are in danger when we go hunting is the two of us. Anyway, bill brought some branches in. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Man, watch where you're backing there, bill. And he's gonna build us a little blind, you know? Ooh! I'm sorry, but that seems fair. And he's gonna build us a blind out of the br-- ow! Oh, all right. Anyway, we're gonna build a blind up there so that there's some sort of cover. Yeah, that's how it works. Now we sit back down and just wait for the ducks to come by and... Oop. Not one of the better duck blinds, uh, you'd ever -- shh, shh! Anyway, we're not gonna worry about that. Bill's got a duck call. Maybe that'll do it -- the little duck-honker thing. I'm not even gonna speculate as to what that was. But here we go. Here's the duck caller. [ explosion ] uh, oh, no. No, that -- no, there again, that would be a shotgun shell. Well, third time lucky, right, bill? Yeah. Oh, this is -- check it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the right end. All right, I see. Okay. Yeah-huh. He's all set. [ inhales sharply, choking ] oh, oh, he swall-- [ quacking ] bill, you swall-- I didn't realize they work-- no, they don't work that way. Oh. Oh, yes, they do. Yeah, yeah. And the ducks are starting to come in. Wow, now this is -- now, I'm starting to have fun. [ gunshots ] now, I don't actually -- wow, we're not getting anything, but, boy, we're making a lot of noise. [ ducks quacking ] another call, then suddenly, I started... [ quack! ] ...Enjoying duck hunting... [ quack! ] ...More than I thought I ever could. [ quack! ] thataboy, bill. And now something for the young people that completely defies explanation. Here's harold. Welcome to a brand-new feature on "the red green show." it's gonna be of interest to anyone who's under, you know, the age of 60. It's htv, and I'm your emcee, harold, counting down the video hits. [ laughs ] okay, here we go. Number 60 -- "squeeze the beef," by moon me sideways. Number 59 is debbie and the deep dishers with "a river runs through me." wa-a-a! Holding at 58 -- "choke on this" by meat cleaver. It's a love song. ♪ oh, darling, choke on this ♪ 57 -- it's a brand-new one from air sickness bag, and it's called "be my thermometer." lot of weddings using that song. That's a good one. And, of course, 56 is wendy vapid with "just 'cause." "just 'cause." we got 55 checking in -- it's a good one, too. It's "life sucks," by helsinki jones and loofah lips. You got to check that one out. And, of course, checking in at 54 -- "grunt," by groan. Ha! And checking out and 86'ed, it's harold and "who cares?" I woke up in the park last Sunday morning, and once I got the newspapers off me there, I couldn't help but notice how many teenagers were down there throwing a ball around or hanging out or stripping cars or what have you. I thought to myself, "why aren't these kids in church like I was at their age?" you know, sitting in my Sunday-school class in the circle there, wearing them gray-flannel hand-me-downs, watching mrs. Pennington's false teeth defy gravity, along with the rest of her body. I learned so many things there that the teens of today just aren't getting exposed to, like, uh, how to pretend you're listening, how to sleep with your eyes open, how to make jokes with your hands, and how to sing hymn 435 while everybody else is doing 342. But the teens today, they're just not getting in on that at all. I did that till I was 16 years old, and I never went back. But that's not the point. The young people today haven't earned the right not to go to church. Well, we're all getting ready for the boat race here, so I thought I'd come out and visit one of my best friends of all time, buzz sherwood. Buzz, how's my favorite pilot today, huh? Hey, red, man! Give me five! All right, all right. Ooh! [ laughs ] hey, harold, my man, how are you? Come here, harold, I want you -- ohh! [ laughs ] that's funny, harold. That's funny. [ laughs ] so, buzz, uh, how is your beautiful plane running today? Oh, not you, too, man. Listen, I'm not taking anybody on any flights over that nudist camp. Just forget it, man. I never said anything about a nudist camp. Oh, come on, man. Like, none of the guys around here seen a naked woman before? I mean, like, was I the only one at woodstock? All day long, it's been, "hey, buzz, I want to go up and test my home-video camera." "hey, buzz, how low and slow can your plane fly?" "hey, buzz, I want to overcome my fear of heights and break in my telephoto lens." [ imitates buzzer ] no way, man. Forget it. Harold, I don't like the low-angle shots. Get up. Look, look, I'm really sorry to bum you out, man, but right now, I got to get her ready for the big boat race, you know what I'm saying? You're entering your seaplane? No, I'm entering my airboat. Oh, no, no, buzz. That -- that thing does not qualify as a boat. This thing does not qualify as an airplane. [ laughs ] hey, you know what? I was just gonna take my ferry out for a shakedown cruise and see if it's shipshape. Why don't you come along with me? You can be like the ensign or the purser or something. Well, uh -- come on, come on, step onto my bridge. Go on, go on, huh? This might be as close as I get to the love boat, huh? You scare me sometimes, red. All right, here we go. Preparing to cast off. Yeah, all right. Um, what do they do? Engines on, one-third. Come on, baby. Yeah! All right, we need a little cruise music. Yeah! [ heavy-metal music plays ] [ explosion ] all right, batten down all hatches and portholes. Uh, I think they abandoned ship, sir. Oh, apparently, they have. All right, let's rock 'n' roll! [ laughs ] well, sorry to say I didn't win the big boat race. Moose thompson lucked out. I cannot believe that moose thompson beat that canoe of yours. The whole thing was rigged, harold. I took his gas can, and I poured about five pounds of sugar in there. Then just before the race, he cheated and switched cans with me. I think I'm gonna put in a grievance. Sure is expensive. So, what you're telling me then is, like, that moose thompson is the new ferryboat captain? Yep. Reported for work right after the race. Hoo-hoo! Boy, what's the pay situation? Uh, I believe it's $15 a trip plus expenses, but I think moose would have paid twice that much... Until he found out the sun worshipers really are sun worshipers. A bunch of old, fat guys sitting around in robes, chanting up at the sun. They're like mayans or aztecs or something. Wa-a-a! Well, there you go. I hope you learned a lesson. That's a lesson just for you. Shut up, harold. That's a lesson just for me. [ screeching ] oh, there's the possum. Time for another meeting. Yeah, you -- you go ahead. I'll be down in a second. You know, I always like a show with a point to it, and I think the point here is mind your own business, and, hopefully, that hasn't been lost on anybody who's been watching, like, say, for example, my wife's parents. Just kidding. Just kidding. Uh, if my wife is watching, I'm gonna be coming home the long way, 'cause I'm gonna need some time to figure out how I got involved with this whole thing tonight. But I'm pretty sure I can come up with a way of blaming harold. And everybody else, on behalf of harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge and, of course, myself, thanks for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] harold: All rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. All right, I got one announcement before we get started here. The senior citizens are having a dance at the end of the lake on Saturday night.